Being in the Hospital is a Lot Like Being a Ninja

First of all let me bring you all up to speed. I’m am currently in the hospital. Remember all that coughing and shortness of breath I had going on? Turns out that was my heart preparing to explode. About a week ago I was having an extra trough time with the coughing so against all protest Chrissy demanded that we visit the ER. Well, as it would happen, she essentially saved my life that night. (Thanks for that, I will make it up to you later.)

Since last Thursday night there have been many pokes, prods, tubes down my throat and lack of sleep. I got to thinking last night that my stay here has not been unlike ninja training. Let me explain:

First, the obvious. Sleep deprivation. Everyone knows that a good ninja must be on his game even when he hasn’t slept in days. No one is better at putting this into action than the nurses here. A random blood pressure check at 2am then wait til 2:30, just when you are getting back to sleep, to come in and clean your room. How about a pop quiz at 4 am? Oh, its all good times. A good ninja knows to grab sleep when he can. Which is why in hospitals people are always asleep.

Let’s not forget the isolation torture. We are all aware that a ninja must stay strong under pressure. The nurses will test this. Locked in a room, tied to various machines, you will start to lose your mind. Stay with it. Find a way to deal with it. Maybe get out of bed and see just how far the cables attached to your body can reach. It’s important to get out of bed and to try and keep your strength. You will need it for your escape.

Bloodletting. They will call it taking labs but its the same thing. No one needs that much blood to decide if your healthy. I maintain that they take blood so often to keep you weak and it is possible that they have become aware of your ninja skills and are using your blood to work on clone research.

Surviving on rations. OK, the food situation isn’t too bad. I know everyone has something to say about hospital food and some of that is valid. Overall the food is ok if you can live with everything tasting like nothing. There is sparse usage of salt in the culinary department here. That is understandable I suppose. I have yet to really be hungry as they will give you pretty much whatever you ask for off the menu. Its probably to keep us from fashioning a rope from used sheets and rappelling out our  fifth floor window.

Well, thats all I really have. Despite my bitching and moaning over the past week things could be infinitaly worse. I just have to take it at face value that they don’t want me here any more than I wanna be here.