What makes people who they are? I suppose the variables to that questions are nearly endless but still, there has to be something that contributes early on to make us the people we become in life.
Take me for example. From an early age I was attracted to the color black. In fact I can remember getting a blue sweat shirt and sweat pants for Christmas or a birthday when I was only 3 or 4 and insisting that I get black ones instead. Way back then I preferred black to most other colors. By the time I was a teenager I was listening to Metallica and other heavy metal. As I got older, my interest in horror movies and darker varieties of sci-fi got more intense. My parents never really promoted the heavy music or horror flicks with a few exceptions from my dad.
I had a 9th grade history project in which I was to create a fictional civilization. I developed a vampyric group of people. It turned out to cost me the rest of my childhood in some ways. Would I have done it had I not seen the movie Blade only days before? I don’t know. I do know I would have done something similar at some point. I thought vampires were extremely interesting. I would have found a creative outlet for my interest eventually. My interests continued to evolve and I began listening to considerably heavier music and intensely horrific movies that incited creativity instead of fear. Black clothes still make up 90% of my wardrobe, I rock Slipknot or Marilyn Manson when I have creators block and I find most horror films more humorous than frighting. Now at this point I should really mention that I’m not a violent or angry person. I like to think I am very compassionate and empathetic. I love animals and I even used to work with the developmentally disabled. I’m a good person.
I live a normal enough life. I work as a graphic designer, I live with my girlfriend and I am going to be a father in just a few months. To friends and colleagues I am just the funny designer guy. But I have a darker side as well and that is what I am trying to understand. I am OK with it but I want to understand what made me this way. Is it bad wiring? Was I traumatized at an early age and don’t remember? I don’t think that’s it. I love my parents and they love me and I am certain they never did anything to hurt me. In fact they were quite protective and tried to teach me to lead an honest life, which I have managed to do for the most part. I thank them for the lessons I was taught.
I’m not going to become a serial killer or start sacrificing animals. It is just my curiosity of the human mind that makes me wonder. What makes us tick? What makes a 3 year old insist on wearing black? What makes a teenager cause so much trouble just for the sake of dark creativity? What makes a grown man think up terrifying monsters and call it art? I don’t know but one thing I do know is that despite the problems my brain has caused me in the past, I am proud of who I am.
If you are interested in some of the art I have done please visit http://www.syntheticsuicide.deviantart.com
